Everything I Always Wanted
by the.eye.does.not.SEE
Summary: "I have everything I always wanted...Almost." A Mark/Lexie fic based off this line from the promo for 7x21 "I Will Survive" .
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hey guys, this is just a little fic based off the promo for the next Grey's ep, where there's a conversation between Mark and Lexie and he tells her that "I have everything I always wanted..._Almost_." So this fic is basically where I hope that conversation will go. Hope you like it!**

"So surgery went well," Lexie comments, scrubbing her hands. Mark nods, inclining his head towards her without making eye contact.

"Yeah," Jackson replies, on her other side. "Congrats," Jackson tells Mark as he passes buy, grabbing a towel.

"Thanks," Mark mutters.

"Lexie, you coming?"

"Yeah," Lexie tell the resident, shaking the water from her hands. "I'll be out in a minute."  
>"Okay," Jackson says, letting the door fall closed behind him. Lexie stares at Mark for a moment, wondering why he's so quiet. Usually, he'd be bragging about his success, or in the very least, taking compliments graciously. <em>Obviously, <em>Lexie observes, _he isn't doing either._

"You all right?" She asks as she moves to the door to grab a few paper towels to dry her hands. When she looks back up, he's staring at her, just a few feet away. "The surgery went well," Lexie repeats, looking for something, anything, to say as his eyes bore into hers. "You should be happy."

"I'm not." His voice is flat, detached. But his eyes are still on her.

"Okay," Lexie draws out the word questioningly. "Why not?"

Mark takes a deep breath, glancing down to the floor and letting it go as if he's getting ready to begin a lengthy story. When he speaks, though, it's short and leaves no room for interpretation. "I'm a world-class surgeon," he says without arrogance, as if he's just stating a fact. _Which he is_, Lexie notes after a moment. "I have a steady job, friends, a…family. I have everything I always wanted," he tells her, eyes flashing to hers. "Almost."

"Mark," Lexie sighs, pressing her lips together. It's moments like these that really do her in—the times when he's so obviously and uncharacteristically truthful and vulnerable…Times when he and she both know she can't do a damned thing to help him. Lexie's beginning to think he's torturing the both of them on purpose with these conversations.

"What?" Mark asks, his eyes on her even though she's looking away. "What is it? _Him_?" Mark jerks his head behind him, and without even making eye contact Lexie knows the hatred on his face is poorly masked.

"No," Lexie replies softly, meeting his eyes. "It's not him."

"They why…"

"I've told you before: _we don't work. _Not together, not apart…We just—we shouldn't be around each other in any capacity."

"Oh? So that's your solution to solving this problem? To move away and never see me again?"

"I didn't say that. I just said—"

"Lex, come on." He takes a step towards her. She stares him down, as if daring him to make another move. With his eyes never leaving hers, he does move forward again, stepping carefully until they're less than a foot apart.

"You can't tell me you don't feel anything for me." He raises his hand gently, just grazing her cheek. The breath exiting from her lungs catches slightly as his skin meets hers, and Mark manages to take pride in that bleak fact. It's if her own body is working against her to prove his point. "You just can't, Lex." His breath ghosts over her face and she takes the moment to revel in the warmth of it, and the closeness of him—hoping beyond hope that he won't take notice and call her out on it.

"I didn't say I didn't feel anything for you," Lexie replies after a moment. "I still feel betrayed," her eyes flash to his, the moment being broken and her anger returning. "I still feel mad and I still feel like you acted unfairly. I still feel upset."

"You're entitled to feel all those things," Mark replies easily, noting that her words don't quite line up with her actions. "But you should remember everything else you feel."

"Mark…"

"You should remember what you told me in January."

"Mark." Her wavering voice has transformed into a grave warning; a warning she's sure he won't heed. He never does do anything she asks of him.

"You should remember that you said you lov—"

"_Don't_," Lexie cuts in harshly. Mark stares at her, tilting his head closer to hers.

"Why not?" He half-whispers. "Is it because if I remind you how you felt back then, it'll change your mind? Is it because it'll make you realize that you still feel that way? Is it—"

Lexie shakes her head. "It's because it isn't the _truth_," she interrupts forcefully. "Not anymore."

"But it was once," Mark states automatically, knowing she has no way to refute his claim. Somehow, though, she finds a way to sidestep it.

"And I wish that were enough," Lexie tells him, staring into his eyes for a moment, making sure he gets the message, before stepping to her right, moving past him, and heading for the door.

"It is," Mark calls just as she's about to open the door. She half-turns towards him, wishing she could just let herself leave, but unfortunately finding herself unable to.

"What?"

"It is enough," Mark reiterates, staring at her back. "I don't care you if you say you don't love me anymore or think you don't. _I _know you do. _I _know you want me back. And you can keep lying to yourself and telling everyone it doesn't matter—but I know it does."

"So?"

"So, I'm willing…" He exhales, and she can hear his feet move across the floor, getting closer. She still doesn't turn, even though she can sense his head hovering somewhere above her left shoulder. "I'm willing to deal with that, to work through it, if you'll give usa chance—a _real_ chance."

"I _did_," Lexie replies defiantly, whipping around so quickly that he has to jerk back so they don't slam into each other. "I did give you a chance, I gave you plenty of chances, and you blew _every last one_!"

"I didn't ask for you to give _me_ a chance," Mark replies patiently. "I asked for you to give _us _a chance."

Lexie crosses her arms. "How is that any different?"

"Because I'm not asking you to trust me, I'm asking you to trust _us_. I'm asking you to try—not only for me, but for you too. You're unhappy. I can see that. And I am too." His hand twitches at his side; he wants desperately, so desperately, to reach out and touch her…

"You don't know if I'm happy or sad," Lexie tells him, jutting her chin in defiance to his assertions. "You don't know a _thing_ about me," Lexie states, eyes narrowed in his direction. Mark stares at her for a second, waiting for the punch line. When it doesn't come, he just blinks at her.

"I'm sorry?"

"I _said_, you don't know a thing about me," Lexie repeats, spitting the words this time. "You haven't, not for months. You haven't known anything about me since you decided that having a baby _without _me was more important than _having_ me." She points at him. "And _that _is why we aren't together!"

"I know everything about you," Mark argues softly while Lexie rolls her eyes. "I know that you miss seeing your sister, Molly. I know that you miss your mother, too. I know that you take your coffee black because you think that its badass." He smirks slightly. "I know that you hate dogs because one bit you when you were nine and you had to get stitches. I know that that's when you started getting interested in medicine. I know that you went to Harvard med, but always cheered for Yale because that's where Susan went to school. I know that you've only slept with seven or eight people and I, luckily, am one of them. I know that you look better as a brunette than a blonde, for more reasons that the fact that you can't pull it off." He sighs softly, his warm blue eyes staring into hers. "And most importantly, I know that you love me…even when you're afraid to admit it."

"I'm not afraid."

"Then why won't you tell me the truth?"

"Because it isn't the truth. Not—"

"—anymore, right? It's not the truth anymore?" Mark steps closer to her. "If it's not the truth anymore and you don't care about me or us, then why are you still standing here, debating it with me? Why don't you let it go, and leave it hanging like its something that doesn't matter to you? It would be easy, wouldn't it, if you didn't care?" He stares at her, his pupils boring into hers. "So go," he challenges her. "Go, and try to act like you don't care."

Lexie presses her lips together, wishing a hundred things at once—that this would be over, that he'd leave, that Jackson would burst in, that she could find the words to answer him, that he would stop talking, and that she could make her escape. But one wish, one that flies high above the rest, is that she could do as he asks, and stop lying to herself. She wishes they could just go back to when things were simple. Back when the biggest thing she worried about was how to tell Meredith and the one thing she could count on was Mark.

But that time's long gone.

And no matter how hard she wishes, it won't come back. No matter how many times she closes her eyes and taps her heels together, she's never home. She's never with him.

"You can't," Mark concludes, drawing Lexie out of her thoughts and her eyes back to him. "You can't act like you don't care because it's too hard, isn't it?"

"Stop, please," Lexie mutters. But Mark refuses, moving forward nonetheless.

"I'm right, aren't I? It's hard and it hurts. It eats at you and it bugs and pecks. It's like an annoying little reminder, every day, of what you're missing."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Lexie manages, staring at the floor so she can avoid staring at him. So she can avoid letting him see the truth written all over her face.

"I do know what I'm talking about," Mark replies, his voice injected with the authority of experience as he takes a minuscule step closer. "I know exactly what I'm talking about because I go through it every day, like you. We're in this together, whether you like it or not. There's no one else undergoing this except you and me. Just _you and me_." He lifts her chin, raising her eyes to his, with a solitary finger. "And I think we should make the most of the time we have together, heartbreak or not," he whispers, eyes attached to hers. "Don't you?"

**Author's Note: I know I left the ending kind of open there and I did that on purpose because I'm not sure where I want to take it yet. I might add another chapter, or I might leave it like this, depending on when/how inspiration strikes me.**

**Please leave your thoughts in a review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: And I present the second chapter! Thanks to everyone who wanted to see more; the reviews helped me along :) Hope you like it...**

**CHAPTER 2:**

_"I think we should make the most of the time we have together, heartbreak or not," he whispers, eyes attached to hers. "Don't you?"_

"Mark," Lexie whispers back. "I can't."

"Why not?" He asks, his fingertips still lingering on her skin.

"Because…" She shrugs, shaking her head and staring at him as if he'd supply her with an answer. "I just…can't."

Mark stares back at her. "Do I have to ask again?" He waits for her to respond, but she doesn't. "It's a simple question, Lex."

"I…" She twists her head away from his fingers, looking over her shoulder briefly. He knows she's thinking about the resident they'd just scrubbed out with, but if he's the reason Mark wants to hear her say it. He wants to have her admit the reason why she can't be with him out loud so he can prove her wrong. He may not be the best guy, but for her, he's better than Avery. For her, he's better than anyone. _And she should know that. _Mark frowns slightly as she turns back to him. _By now, she should know that._

"What?" Lexie asks, seeing the look on his face.

"I'm still waiting for an answer," Mark replies. Lexie stares at him for a couple seconds before shrugging her shoulders.

"There isn't an answer."

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?"

"Exactly, as in: if there isn't an answer there isn't any reason why you should be sidestepping this and looking for a way out. You should come back." He levels his gaze with hers. "To me."

Lexie sighs heavily, but never lets her eyes leave his. "It isn't that easy. It's not the same as before."

"I realize that. That's why I'm standing here, offering. Asking. I want you back."

"You aren't the same."

"I know."

"There's a baby."

"I know."

"I don't want to take care of a baby," Lexie tells him. Mark swallows, licking his lips quickly. _Is she saying…_

"You…wouldn't have to," he replies hesitantly, choosing his words carefully. "She's not your baby."

"Yes, I know. She's yours. And Callie's."

"I—" Mark begins defensively before realizing her voice didn't carry an accusation, not anymore. "Yes. She is." He pauses, trying to piece all of this together before he speaks. "Lex, are you trying to say that—"

"It wouldn't be the same."

"What?"

"It wouldn't be the same," Lexie replies softly. "You—you and me, it wouldn't be the same. You have a kid, a real kid, to take care of now. We can't be—_couldn't_ be…what we were."

It's a few seconds before Mark manages to speak again. _Can't_, he thinks hopefully, catching onto the way she had to correct herself to make it seem as if she weren't debating their precarious future in real terms. _She said can't_. He knows any wrong verbal (or physical, for that matter) misstep could cost him everything. So he takes his time.

"That's okay," he finally says. "Things change. People change. We can…we can adapt to that." A smile flickers lightly on the edge of his lips as his mind brings forth an old memory. He reaches out slowly, leaning forward and running his fingers over the back of her left hand. "We can adapt to that, right?" He asks as her eyes meet his and his hand falls away, despite the barely-there ghost of a smile on her face. "It might not be hostile, but it's something different. And we could…we could deal with it. If we tried."

"Mark…"

"I just want to try," he cuts in earnestly. "That's all. Can't you just try? With me, for me? Can you try?"

"I don't—"

"_Please_, Lex."

Lexie sighs, keeping her eyes closed as she speaks. "Jackson and I—"

"You can't seriously want to be with him," Mark cuts in, his face grave.

"I don't know who I want to be with," Lexie replies, slightly defensive as she opens her eyes.

"He's an ass."

"You're just jealous," Lexie tells him, looking away.

"Yes, I am," Mark replies truthfully, staring intently at her. Lexie looks up; she had meant the accusation simply as a passing comment, not something to be fixated on. "I'm jealous that he gets to be with you and I don't. I'm jealous that you picked him over me—"

"I didn't pick anyone," Lexie cuts in heatedly.

"Still," Mark continues. "You're with him and not me. So I'm allowed to be jealous, since I wish I were in his place."

"Just a few months ago you were in his place," Lexie notes quietly.

"I know. And I'd do anything to go back."

"Why?" Lexie asks, laughing.

"So I could change things."

"Ah," Lexie nods faux-sagely. "Wear a condom this time."

"That's not what I meant," Mark replies patiently. "If I could go back, I'd stop you from ever leaving."

"You couldn't have stopped me."

"I could have tried."

"It wouldn't have worked."

"You don't know that."  
>"It <em>could've <em>worked," Mark insists.

"No, it _couldn't _have,"Lexie tells him. "I don't want kids and I especially don't want them if they're yours but not mine."

"Lex—"

"There was nothing you could have said to make me stay," Lexie informs him. "Not after what you did." Mark cocks his head to the side, surveying her.

"And what about now?" He asks quietly after a few seconds. "Is there anything I can say now to get you to stay?"

Lexie looks away, simultaneously searching for an answer to throw him off the scent but also trying to avoid looking at him. She knows the longer she stays silent, the longer she's here alone with him, the easier it'll be for her to spill her feelings. And that won't help anything.

"No. No," Lexie replies with a bit too much force. "I'm not going through this again just to break up in a few weeks when you impregnate someone else."

"I'm never going to sleep with anyone else."

"Hm," Lexie replies, pretending to ponder his statement. "Why don't I believe you?" Her eyes light up. "Ah! Maybe because I _know you're lying_."

"I am _not _lying," Mark insists. "You're it. You're the only person I want to be with."

"Right, until you find someone else that catches your eye."

"Lex," Mark sighs. "There isn't anyone else for me. You know by now that I lov—"

"_Don't_!" Lexie cuts in hotly.

"What?" Mark asks, crossing his arms and finally losing patience. "Why can't I say it? Why can't I say that I l—"

"I said _don't_," Lexie interrupts. "I'm tired of having you lie right to my face."

"When have I ever lied to your face?" Lexie crosses her arms, pursing her lips. "No, really, think about it," Mark encourages her. "When have I ever lied to you? I've done some shitty things, I know, but I've never lied to you. I've always told you the truth. Maybe it was a little belated, but I've never kept anything from you. I've never _not _told you anything."

"You never told me you slept with Callie," Lexie replies after a moment.  
>"That's because I didn't think it mattered."<p>

"And did it?"

"It didn't at the time. It was…a moment of weakness at the time. And after…we both knew it was a mistake. Until she told me she was pregnant, I wasn't going to tell you because it wasn't anything. It didn't matter to me and it didn't matter to her. You and I were broken up. It wasn't anything."

"It wasn't anything, but it changed everything."

"I know that."

"You can't seriously expect me to come back to you after that," Lexie states mockingly.

"Well, why not?" Mark asks earnestly. "It's not like I fell in love with Callie or something. It's not like I continued to sleep with her while we were together or broken up. It was a one-time thing—"

"—That has a _lifetime _of repercussions, Mark!" Lexie shouts, unable to listen to him downplay it any longer. She shakes her head, angry at herself for yelling. _Don't let him get to you_, she tells herself, wishing she could heed her own advice. "Look, I have to go," Lexie manages, already turning towards the door. "I understand that you're trying here but I'm not ready—"

She breaks off as she feels his hand on her arm. Lexie sighs slightly, pivoting her body ever so slightly just so she can see his face. "You don't have to be ready," Mark tells her softly, an honest look in his eye. "You just have to want what I want." He pauses, swallowing. "And I know you do."

"Making assumptions that you have no business making will not get you anywhere," Lexie tells him.

"They aren't assumptions," Mark argues in a low voice. "They're the truth." She opens her mouth to protest, but Mark, having seen it coming, continues anyway. "Just think back, Lex. Look, I know you're with Avery and everything's great but—hasn't even a small part of you missed me?"

"No," Lexie replies a little too firmly.  
>"Hasn't a small part of you wished we were together even after everything that's happened?" Mark presses.<p>

"No," Lexie replies, but her voice falters slightly.

"Doesn't a small part of you want to see me like you used to?" Mark asks, stepping closer. "Doesn't a small part of you still want to be with me?" His hand reaches up to hold her cheek lightly. "Doesn't a small part of you still hurt when you think of me?" He tilts his head down towards hers, so their eyes—and lips—are just centimeters apart. "Doesn't a small part of you—doesn't _any _part of you—still love me?" His breath warms her face. "Even a little?" Mark asks. "Cause I can work with any—"

But Mark's voice is silenced as Lexie's lips reach up of their own accord to cover his, drawing him into a deep and long-awaited kiss. Mark has no choice but to return the kiss with equal (if not greater) fervor. After a few more breathless kisses, the two pull away from each other reluctantly. As Lexie looks into his eyes, Mark gazes down at her, so many questions on the tip of his tongue. He settles for the most important.

"So you love me?" He asks quietly, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Stop asking me that," Lexie replies softly, glancing down.

"Why?" Mark asks, his voice oddly pained, hoping this wasn't all some sort of ruse. _How could she—_

"Because," Lexie replies with a small smile and raising her eyes to his, "you should already know the answer."

Mark stares at her, relief spreading across his face, for a moment before he ducks down and captures her lips once again with his own. Lexie steps closer to him, returning the kiss and wrapping her arms around the man she's sure she won't ever leave again, no matter what lies ahead of them.

_Fin_

**Author's Note: Please review and tell me what you think! Fingers crossed for _Grey's_**** this week. :)**


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